Have you ever seen a picture of yourself that you don’t remember taking? That’s exactly what seeing your stunt double for the first time is like.
I was walking down the hallway back to my holding room when I saw my reflection at the end of the hall. Except I couldn’t remember ever seeing a mirror there. It took about a half a second for my brain to process that I was indeed looking at another person, but in that small flash of time was an essay’s worth of new feelings flooding through me.
I’ve caught myself doing this for the past few days. Taking a double take. Mainly on the circumstances of my life and wondering how the heck did we get here??! I’ve booked a job on a television show, I’ve been flown out to a new city, I live in a hotel suite and I drive to work where my job is to act. Like whaaa?! It’s bizarre. I’m so used to fantasizing about this, that the reality of it is a drink I’m wary of spilling.
And oddly enough, even with all its novelty, there’s a part of all of this that isn’t surprising at all. I’m of the mindset that everything that is meant for you is already yours. Your choices, yes while indicative of free will, are at the same time following a path that’s already been marked for you. It’s a very peaceful thing to realize and it helps soothe a lot of anxieties. Because it reminds me that there are forces in this world bigger than us, and our only role is to put ourselves on the board and start making chess moves. Once I move, the universe will dance with me, and we’ll find the routine that’s already been choreographed for us.
This is by far the biggest job I’ve ever booked. And I’m guilty in the past of looking at my wins as whims, or one-off luck of the draws. One of the best compliments I’ve ever received to date was from my mom a few years ago. I think I had booked something (I don’t even remember what) and I called her absolutely excited to share the news! I remember being taken aback by her response though because it was so muted and underwhelming. And then she finally spoke and she said “Oh Omono but I’m not surprised”. And I was speechless. Because for as insecure and self-doubting as artists can be, man does it feel good to be seen. Even when you can’t yet see it. I can now see it. I think I’m too interesting to not be an artist. My experiences are too interesting, too complicated, too tragic, and yet blanketed by too much joy for me to not funnel them through some sort of medium. And while I’m sure I have a few more double takes in me, I’m so honored to be able to share a piece of my art through what might perhaps be one of the best characters I’ve ever read to date. Gah!! I can’t wait for you all to meet her!