Not metaphorically, literally. I am directionless. I have goals, dreams and aspirations and I fancy myself capable of achieving such, but by God if they required directions and I didn’t have Google maps, I'd be screwed. I joke that if I make it on the Amazing Race, my Achilles heel would be my poor sense of direction. That and puzzles. I hate puzzles. I hate these two things because they make me feel stupid. And not just oh she’s distracted or inattentive type of stupid, but this fool is dumb dumb, you're dumb stupid. It gives me flash backs to JS1 and having to work out math problems on the board in front of the whole class. Kill me now.
Digression: my senior thesis project for my Psych degree was to replicate a study using the underclassmen as our sample size. My group did our study on the hypothesis that math anxiety is increased in women. Unsurprisingly, our findings supported the hypothesis. This is my personal blog so I have no desire to cite sources, but a quick google search will give you evidence of these studies.
Long story short, that dumb feeling that I only used to get in math class (and surprisingly only during my schooling in Nigeria) has long disappeared. So when I felt it yesterday, it was so visceral and almost tangible that it made me realize yoo childhood trauma is real! So what was the trigger? Someone asking me which way is north 🤦🏾♀️
In this regard, my spatial intelligence is not the strongest. I’m working on my negative talk, so I’m not gonna say I suck, but ya girl ain’t great at it. It sparks up those same feelings of idiocy that childhood me would very literally shut down on at first hint. But yay to maturity! Feeling that yesterday, I initially put my head down and pleaded with the ground to swallow me whole. But, I popped back up. That’s the thing about growing up right? It’s being able to recognize our discomforts and push past them. Sad thing is I really thought I’d mastered this. I’ve had so many jobs and gone through so many trainings that I’ve gotten used to being uncomfortable until proficiency kicks in. But again, the power of those early years.
So, what’s the remedy? Math fortunately isn’t a problem anymore. Though far from perfect, I attest that to the school system in the states. I stopped feeling innately dumb in eighth grade so, praised be. As per maps, I try to study Google maps here and there, and I’m really working on not being a passive wanderer. Recently I’ve been thinking about buying a Thomas Guide to LA so I can know the city beyond the four borders of my screen. That, and hopefully as I move from screen to paper, my internal map becomes more concrete.
There’s a lot of things I need to work on, I know I’m not perfect, but I also know I’m not dumb. We were introduced to the idea of multiple intelligences in my high school’s CORE program, so it’s nice to be able to reach to that when feeling low. And I made it through childhood so, there’s hope. Looking back, it's the social studies, the english and the language classes that got me through school. That’s probably why I’m a good writer. I’ve always been told I was a good writer, so cheers to self fulfilling prophecies 🥂#problematic